Something happened in our family. The kind of bad something. The kind of something everyone believes can never happen to them. The kind of something nobody wants to talk about. But it’s the kind of something every family must talk about—so it doesn’t happen in yours.

A member of my extended family—a precious 13-year-old girl named Alli—took her own life on Wednesday. Alli was vibrant, smart, and full of life, and we’re still grappling with the devastating reality of her absence. In the midst of our grief, we’re left searching for answers. Were there warning signs? Did we miss something? Could we have prevented this? These are questions we may never fully answer. As time passes, some things may come to light, but they won’t change the outcome.

There are no easy answers. Sometimes, even when you’re the parent of an intelligent, driven child, there aren’t obvious warning signs. It reminds me of when, back in 2013, our son-in-law was diagnosed with the cancer that would later claim his life. He was 27—”healthy,” by all appearances. We weren’t looking for the signs of colon cancer, because 27-year-olds aren’t supposed to get colon cancer. By the time we realized something was wrong, it was too late.

I wonder if Alli, too, hid her struggles beneath her achievements. She was a straight-A student, quick with a smile or a witty remark. But she likely put immense pressure on herself to be perfect. So much pressure, perhaps, that she didn’t feel she could admit she was struggling. Maybe you have children like this—children who seem to handle everything with ease. I did. My kids never needed me to push them for grades, success, or reputation. They put enough pressure on themselves.

I realize now that I might not have known if my kids were struggling with depression. They might not have told me. They knew our expectation was always to do their very best, to strive for excellence. I wonder now if they would have feared disappointing us by admitting that something wasn’t quite right.

In light of this tragedy, I wish I had talked to them about the hard things more often. I wish I had told them how proud I am of all their accomplishments—but also that it’s okay not to be perfect. I wish I had reassured them that no struggle, no feeling, would ever disappoint me, and that I wanted to hear about their burdens as much as their successes. If you’re a parent reading this, I hope you’ll take a moment to have that conversation with your own children.

You’d never have guessed that Alli was struggling. Some people, especially overachievers, become skilled at hiding their pain. And when that person is just a child, it can become too much to bear. None of us ever imagined this could be the outcome of Alli’s bright young life. But there are thousands of children just like her—children who seem to have the world on a string, while in reality, they’re holding on by a thread.

Talk to your kids. Reassure them. Tell them how much you love them, and that no problem, no matter how small it seems, is too insignificant to discuss. If you see even a subtle sign that something is wrong, explore it. Don’t wait for it to become “obvious.” Get them help.

Most of all—listen, and love.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255

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